The Battle of Body
Today I sit panting. I have fought my body for an entire hour of yin yoga. It should be relaxing and calming. But for my body and I this is our battleground. We wage war against damaged tendons and scar tissue. What is relaxing for others is a stressful and necessary process for the broken parts of my body to ever hold hope of reaching the strength they once were.
I am in immense pain, this is an act of meditation.
I pause, tucking into a child's pose mid-battle and tears begin to stream down my cheeks. In this last year I have cried a lifetime of bottled emotions. A year ago we pulled the plug at my first retreat and now...the emotions and uncried tears cascade at any moment.
I gently stroke the scar tissue in my left thigh. Even knowing the touch is coming, the entire muscle jolts with pain. The tendons underneath tremble uncontrollably. It is as if my muscle itself remembers the trauma separately from my own consciousness of it. I speak soothingly to it.
This is our war. Wars are not won overnight. I fractured my ankle in Santorini, likely the final sign of my body collapsing under the pressure I was thrusting it through so suddenly. But since then I have listened more. I have learned the nuance signals it gives.
As the tendon trembles the scar tissue is rolling around under my thumb. I can't press on it or it will cause a horrific shot of pain. But I can remind my body that I remember that trauma as well.
I am with you through this, and together we will be strong again some day. I am using this quarantine time to slow down - to listen to the needs my body voices. This is the time to build strength. This is the time to shelter and practice self care.
There is no great task to be done.
No right or wrong thing to be doing.
There is only you and your unique body and experiences.
You will win this war.